The rules that actually govern a lifestyle venue are simpler and stricter than newcomers expect. Almost all of them come down to one idea: nobody is entitled to anything, ever, and the room works because everyone accepts that.
Every venue publishes a code of conduct — Pineapples has a dedicated code-of-conduct page, and Between Friends maintains pages on entry and what to expect. Read the one belonging to the venue you’re visiting; it’s the version that counts. What follows is the shared culture underneath all of them.
The one rule everything else derives from
Ask first. Accept the first no. Never ask twice.
That’s it. Everything below is an application of it.
The reason consent culture in lifestyle venues is more explicit than in ordinary nightlife isn’t moral superiority — it’s structural. A venue where people feel pressured stops getting return visits, and a venue without return visits closes. Enforcement is a business necessity, which is why it’s real rather than decorative.
Approaching people
Start with conversation, not a proposition. The overwhelming majority of time in these venues is spent talking at a bar about ordinary things. Someone who opens with a proposition marks themselves as new in the least flattering way.
Approach the couple, not one half of it. If you’re interested in a couple, talk to both of them. Addressing one partner and ignoring the other is the most common misstep and reads as either rude or predatory.
Read the signals the room gives you. People deep in conversation, people who’ve turned their backs to the room, people who don’t make eye contact — all of that is communication. Waiting for an opening costs nothing.
One approach per person, per night. If a conversation doesn’t go anywhere, let it end. Circling back later to try again is the single fastest way to be remembered badly.
Declining, and being declined
“No thanks” is a complete sentence. No reason is owed. No softening is required. Most people offer one anyway — “we’re just having a drink tonight” — but that’s a courtesy, not an obligation.
Take it gracefully and move on. The correct response to a no is a pleasant “no worries, enjoy your night,” and then actually leaving. Arguing, sulking, negotiating or asking why converts an ordinary no into an incident.
A no to one thing isn’t a no to everything. Someone declining to play may be perfectly happy to keep talking. Equally, someone happy to talk hasn’t agreed to anything else — conversation is not a down payment.
You can withdraw consent at any point. Including after saying yes, including halfway through, including without explanation. Anyone who treats a previous yes as binding has misunderstood the entire culture.
Watching
Watching is where newcomers most often get it wrong, because the rules are less obvious.
Only in areas where it’s acceptable. Venues separate space deliberately — social areas, open play areas, and private rooms. Pineapples, for instance, lists both open spaces and private, lockable rooms. A closed door is an absolute no.
Being able to see something isn’t an invitation to watch it. If people want an audience, they make that obvious. If you’re unsure whether you’re welcome, you aren’t.
Watching never becomes joining on its own. There’s no threshold of time or proximity that converts one into the other. Joining requires an explicit invitation, every time.
Keep a respectful distance and stay quiet. No commentary, no coaching, no laughing, no edging closer by degrees.
Leave when it stops being welcome. If someone breaks eye contact, turns away, or a partner glances at you pointedly, that’s your cue.
If you’re attending as a couple
Agree your rules before you leave the house. Not in the car park, and definitely not on the floor at 1am. Be specific about what you’re each comfortable with, together and separately.
Agree an exit signal. A word or gesture that means “I’d like to go” and requires no discussion or justification. Use it freely.
Either of you can veto anything, at any point. Without explaining, and without it being renegotiated on the spot.
Don’t volunteer your partner. Speaking for them, or committing them to something before they’ve said yes themselves, is a boundary violation even when they’d have agreed.
Debrief afterwards. On the way home, while it’s fresh. What you enjoyed, what felt off, what you’d change. That conversation is where most of the value of a night actually lives.
Discretion — the rule with no exceptions
No photos. No video. Phones away. This is universal and non-negotiable, and it’s the one rule that will get you removed instantly at any venue in the country. Don’t test it, don’t do it “just of us,” don’t take your phone out to check something in a play area.
Who you saw stays in the room. You will eventually recognise someone — a colleague, a neighbour, a friend’s partner. The correct behaviour is to acknowledge them normally if they acknowledge you, and never to mention it anywhere else. That protection is exactly what you’re relying on yourself.
Don’t out people by implication either. “Guess who I saw on Saturday” is the same breach in a thinner disguise.
Practical courtesies
- Hygiene matters more here. Shower before you come. Both venues provide facilities — Pineapples lists showers and refresh stations. Mints, deodorant, clean everything.
- Drink less than you think. Nothing ends a night faster than being visibly drunk, and consent given by someone who’s clearly intoxicated isn’t consent at all. Venues watch for this.
- Clean up after yourself. Towels, supplies, whatever the venue provides — leave the space as you found it.
- Respect the door times. Between Friends declines entry after 11:00pm irrespective of a pre-purchased ticket. It isn’t personal and it isn’t negotiable.
- Tip the staff and be decent to them. They’re working, they’re not part of the entertainment, and they’re the people who’ll help you if something goes wrong.
When something goes wrong
Tell staff immediately. Handling this is explicitly part of their job, and both venues staff their events accordingly. You don’t need proof, certainty, or a formal complaint — “that person won’t take no for an answer” is enough.
You don’t owe anyone a confrontation. Removing yourself and telling a host is a complete and correct response.
Back other people up. If you see someone being worn down, a simple “hey, are you alright?” gives them an exit. The scene polices itself largely because regulars do this.
The short version
- Ask before anything. Accept the first no.
- Talk to both halves of a couple.
- Watching isn’t joining, and closed doors are absolute.
- Phones away, always.
- What happens there is never discussed elsewhere.
- Drink less, shower first, be kind to staff.
- Tell someone if it feels wrong.
Next: what actually happens on a first night, what to wear, or the full guide to Melbourne’s swingers clubs. Venue codes of conduct always override anything here — read theirs before you book, and see what’s on this weekend.